Duck blinds, PBR and dysfunction.
Navigating modern life without a working rudder.
Life is challenging. Thank God!
I was reeling in the bluegill. The mallards were flying overhead while the occasional john boat with its growling outboard sailed by…probably on its way to the blind. Surely it was packed out with an array of shotguns, camouflage and, of course, the cooler with Oscar Mayer bologna sandwiches, Lay’s chips and a whole lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon! I was enjoying the solitude and the cool, crisp fall air and the wildlife around me. I was eight years old. That was 40 years ago.
I did not want to go back to the “house”; rather, a dilapidated cabin in a countryside “resort” — a small locale where businessmen, or something of the like, from Chicago, or somewhere like that (I was too young and too red neck to know anything about that high life in the big windy city), would come down in the summer to hunt, fish, kick back and drink a lot of beer, amongst other things…
I did not want to go back to the house. I spent most of my days alone in the woods, on the river, up the lane at a neighbor’s farm or at the single old-brick schoolhouse in the middle of nowhere, Illinois.
I did not want to go back to the house. Would she be doped up? Would he be drunk? Would she have been beaten? Would I get beaten? Maybe the dog would get a good beating? Maybe his so-called friends, fellow roofers from when he actually worked, would be there drinking as well? And who knows what else.
Fast forward to 11 years old and I moved in with my mother’s father, “grandpa”, removing me from that rather grotesque and deteriorating situation. However, by the age of 13, still very unaware of it myself (until now really), I was a bastard child, lived with my addict mother and physically abusive stepfather in abject poverty and now with a “quiet alcoholic” grandfather and was essentially an addict myself…not to a substance but to constantly seeking approval and what we are now referring to as the “dopamine hit”.
Well, the “hits” got me through the high school years, rather successfully, actually. Then, I launched on a naval career, serving 27 years in the United States Navy. Along the way, I earned a Bachelor of Science, a minor in Spanish, my Navy Nuclear Reactors engineer certification and lived all over the United States as well as in Italy for three years. I am now retired, work for an energy company and am in a master’s program for social work. Most importantly, I am married to a wonderful woman, and we have seven fantastic children. They have been good years, for sure.
However, I have witnessed too many family, close friends and shipmates struggle with addiction. My life has been filled with physical and substance abuse and has given me a deeper understanding of the human condition and suffering but also the resilience of the human spirit. My parents’, friends’ and shipmates’ struggle with alcoholism and drug addiction created a world of unpredictability and fear, but today I know “there is a solution.”
It is recommended that my first post tell who I am and why I am here. Well, I am not completely sure of the why, yet; share my story? work out the past? offer a compassionate ear? write a book? become a social worker? become a life or recovery coach? Combination of the above? In any case, at this point in my life, it only makes sense to me that I use my experience, if possible, to help others.